It just doesn't matter
by simirulz
Summary: A sordid love/hate affair between our two men Jim and Spock.
''You think this matters _now_? After all these years... _now_ is when you notice?'' Jim hisses in disgust, the hands wrapped around his wrists tightening to the point of pain.

''How long eh Spock, when I came to you all those years ago and told you that I loved you… how many _years_ has it been since you called me a slut and married _her_!'' he struggles as his arms are pulled up and trapped against the wall.

''It matters not. What happened in the past is _irrelevant_ now!'' Jim hears Spock snarl as their faces align, their noses touching.

''Why did you not tell me, Jim?!''

''It doesn't matter now. You're bonded! Hell, _I'm_ bonded!''

''You are _mine_. You are my T'hy'la! That you could even consider bonding to another when you know what I am to you... what you are to me! What we could be to each other… how could you simply leave?''

''My Spock didn't reject me. He didn't turn me away and I'm certainly not settling for less. So… kindly… _get off me Mister Spock_. You aren't my T'hy'la. _He is_. He is my choice.''

His snarling, sneering lips are covered, the kiss itself brutal and strong, teeth and tongue clashing against one another as his wrists are gripped with one hand. He feels the warmth of Vulcan skin against his stomach, drifting over his naval down to the first button on his jeans.

A long, lean finger slips in to the waistband of his boxer briefs and he sucks in air when it traces the head of his cock which pokes out traitorously and invitingly. He hates that he's hard. _He hates it_. But he lives for the rush that only Spock can give him. It doesn't matter which one. _Only Spock._ Only _they_ could drive him to this type of madness.

'' _Spock…!_ '' Jim shouts as his buttons are torn apart, scattering across the floor in different directions and he feels a heavy hand encircle his cock.

''Tell me, Jim. Does my counterpart inspire this magnitude of lust in you? Does he make your heart race when he's buried deep inside of you?'' Spock growls and Jim bites him, the green coppery blood on his lips leaving a strange taste in his mouth when he licks over them.

A hiss comes from the Vulcan, the man who should have been his husband, the man he could have spent the rest of his life with and as their eyes meet - Jim stares back in defiance. It's too late. He's been happily married for three years … and now… now that Spock finally found out - he comes running.

''How's your _wife_ , Spock?'' Jim snaps and he grunts as his cock is gloriously pumped, the strength of the grip hard enough to be classed as borderline painful.

''She who is my _wife_ , is adequate.'' Spock breathes into his ear, the warmth of his breath sending Jims senses into overdrive.

Jim watches how Spock drops to his knees fluidly, bringing his restrained wrists down to tangle in the silky, black hair. Spock mouths over the shape of his penis, the tip, the shaft, the base and as his pants are pulled down inch by inch – his boxers slide down along with them.

Jim groans as Spock buries his face in his crotch, inhaling deeply. The sounds are perverse and Jim keens when he feels the first brush of a raspy tongue against the spongy head of his cock. The incessant lapping of his slit makes him writhe, makes his toes curl as drag after drag of warm, wet, hot tongue licks at him until finally he gives in and moans in relief when he feels Spock's lips close over him.

The sucking sensations the Vulcans mouth makes causes his breath to hitch, his eyes to squeeze shut as his head bangs backwards against the wall. He is trapped. His wrists still restrained and his clothing confining him around his ankles. His cock was sucked in deeper and Jim bit hard into his lip as he once again felt the inside of Spock's mouth – the raspy tongue continuing to glide along the underside of his tip, inside the tight seal of the Vulcans lips.

He can do nothing but pant into the air as Spock continues to suck him down and he wishes not for the first time that he could resist this. This is not the first time this has happened. It's not the first time since his _resignation_ that he's attended the same diplomatic meeting as his ex-First Officer, only to later end up in a broom closet or an empty conference room. He hates it and yet he lives for it.

Spock moans around his cock when his hair is pulled, Jims fingers gripping the silken threads and tugging on them as his hips move back and forth in time with the Vulcans greedy suckling. He tries to pull him off, to make one more attempt at resisting this madness that overcomes them whenever they are left alone together. His wrists are released and brought further down, his cock slides from Spock's mouth and he feels a sharp bite on his finger causing him to look down. Spock is breathing heavily, his normally pale and composed features rumpled and flushed as he stares into the blue of Jims' eyes.

''Why did you not tell me?'' came a pained whisper and he could not for all the world – find enough breath in his lungs to answer him.

His jeans and underwear are removed hastily, the movement nearly knocking him off balance and between one gasping breath and the next he feels himself get lifted into the air. He scrambles to find a hold to stop himself from falling and wraps his arms around Spock's neck as his thighs fold around the Vulcans hips. His ass is held firmly in Spock's grip, his cheeks spread apart as his back is pushed against the wall.

''Jim…'' he hears the plea for an aswer again and his head drops to the side as he feels nips and licks along his throat.

Jim tenses when he feels the first digit circle his hole, the tentative teasing strokes around the rim sending shivers down his legs and he clenches his thighs as the familiar feelings of guilty excitement warring with anger overtake him.

The first finger penetrates him smoothly, his hole still loose and wet from that morning with his husband. Spock feels this and snarls into the man, roughly inserting three fingers all at once and the jarring pain of that action makes his back arch and he pushes away from the wall as Spock frantically opens him up.

'' _You are mine_. You were meant for _me_.'' Spocks snarls in possessiveness and anger as he continues to spread and piston his fingers inside of him.

''You had your fucking chance!'' Jim grits out between his bared teeth and grinds his body down on the fingers invading him. Spock moans wantonly at this and Jim smirks briefly in satisfaction that at least he's not the only one slowly losing his mind.

His ass is lifted away from wall, only his shoulders pinned to the hard surface and Spock manoeuvres one hand in between them to free his own cock. Jim watches in rapt fascination at how the green tip extends outwards from a concealed slit between the Vulcans legs. He has a few moments of avidly watching the ever-increasing growth of Spock's dick until _finally_ he feels the tapered head nudge at his stretched hole.

''This is the last time, you hear me you bastard?! The last .. _Nnngh_!''

He is pierced by Spock's still growing cock and he lets out a silent scream as his finger clutch at the back of Spock's neck, his fingers drawing small rivulets of blood as he attempts to relax. He is always unprepared for the girth of Spock's dick, the weight it carries when it's inside of him, the textures he can feel when his muscles spasm in revolt against the intrusion. He whimpers when Spock begins to thrust inside of him.

 _The pleasure_

 _The pain_

 _The blissful familiarity_

Spock nudges his jaw with the tip of his nose and he turns instinctively to latch onto the open, warm mouth waiting for him. He is drowning in sensation, in guilt, in lust, in inevitability. He keens out soft sounds into his Vulcans mouth as his ass is gripped tighter, his body straining to keep up with Spocks frantic pace.

''I wish to meld with you.'' He hears and his mind instantly rebels at that.

''N-no…'' he pants, his hand reaching down to grip his own cock to pump in time with Spocks thrusts.

'' _Yes_ … if you had but s-simply showed me a-all those years ago, that you were mine, that you were m-meant to for me… we would be together now.'' He stutters out as his hand lifts to Jims face.

''I t-told you I l-loved you… that… _Ungh!..._ should have been _enough_!'' he groans while he purposefully moves his head away from Spock's hand.

''You would deny me?'' a menacing whisper reaches his ear and he nearly chokes on his tongue as Spock rams him harder into the wall. ''I have three times your strength Jim. I could take what I need from you by f-force.''

''But you w-wont… because you love me. _You love me Spock_.'' Jim huffs as his head lolls forward onto Spocks' shoulder. He reaches orgasm with a muffled, whimpering bite into Spocks uniform. His cum spraying obscenely over the dark black material worn by the Vulcan as he jacks himself off through it, squeezing out every last drop.

'' _Yes…_ '' he hears in response and his channel is filled with heat, with _life_ as Spock stutters in his thrusts through his own orgasm. Spock removes himself with a squelching, schlick of a sound and Jim grimaces as his legs stretch back down – his sock covered feet still feeling the bite of the cold floor.

They dress in silence – Spock removing his uniform blazer and throwing it aside to be discarded later and he swipes a shaky hand over his hair. Jim watches his cock retreat back into his body and how his zipper is pulled up and his undershirt tucked in.

Jim turns his back on the Vulcan , dressing quietly in the corner of the room, detesting the fact that even though he was just moments ago so full – he suddenly felt empty, a gnawing loneliness that would only disappear once he saw his husband again.

''J-Jim…''

''Yeah, Spock?'' he answers wearily – he is so tired of doing this, so sick of being torn in two.

''Why did you not tell me we were T'hy'la four point six years ago? Why should I find out through a clan member on New Vulcan?''

Jim closes his eyes as he feels another splinter etch itself deeper into his heart.

''Because Spock… by the time I found out… you had said no and it _just didn't matter anymore_.

He does not wait for a response, he does not turn back to see the anguish on Spock's face, knowing for certain that it would be mirrored on his own.

He leaves the conference room quietly, the hiss of the automatic door deafening him as he chokes steadily on the silence that suddenly surrounds him as Spock's presence simply disappears.

They will do this again.

Maybe not next year, or the year after that…

 _But they always find their way back to each other…_

* * *

Notes: So i wrote this purely because I have finally found myself a temporary job which starts tomorrow - I'm slightly stressing over it. I wont have much time to work on my 'Family Matters' story for the next few weeks so I will be posting the odd one-shot here and there. This is the first time I have ever written slash. It was weird for me, hot... but extremely weird because i was so goddamn embarrassed the entire time. If this doesnt 'do it for you' or 'float your boat' or 'tickle your pickle' I apologise, but I will get better with practice. Let me know what you think but please be kind as my mental landscape is a bit unsteady at the moment.


End file.
